Azubah Erdoo Ityav,
I would love to say that I smile when I think of where you could be now, but that's not the truth. I'd love to say that I can take comfort in the fact that it's greener on the other side, but not right now. I would love to say that you're in a better place, but that as well, can wait.
Right now, I am hurting... so bad it leaves me speechless. I am confused, and my heart bleeds tears. Right now, my eyes refuse to dry, and the thought that I will never see you, or that gorgeous smile again pierces the deepest parts of my heart. Right now, I go all around facebook, and just end up at your page, staring at your pictures, hoping I'll see another tweet saying it was a mistake. I am in denial of this grief that I am going to have to bear to be able to move past this. I am thinking of the last time I saw you, and how I would not have guessed in my wildest dreams, that I would never see you again. Right now, I remember all the days we sat and fantasized about my wedding, and how there would be no wedding if you were not in it. I think of all the times we smiled, and most importantly, the times we cried..the times we shared grief... I remember the night of your mom's wake keep. I remember how I stood in the back and listened as you sang "comforter". I remember how you would come to my dorm room and we would cry together because you missed mommy. Right now, I think of how I'm crying alone, and this time, not only without you... but for you.. I think of how it is now me to sing "comforter". Right now, its all the emotions running through my heart, and thoughts through my head. I can't seem to focus, can't seem to concentrate, can't seem to simply function. I can't seem to believe that as I write this, you're not sitting somewhere admiring the sunlight pouring through the window, or listening to music, or reading a book. NOTHING about this seems right.
I know we fought, we slammed the doors at each other. I know we beat ourselves up about flimsy things sometimes and got mad, but if I could relive all those moments just to have you back, I would do it ompteen times over.I would give anything in this world just to be able to see one last smile, hug you one last time, take one last picture, and record one last memory. I would give anything in this world, just to say one last "I LOVE YOU". I loved you before death, I still love you in this phase of denial, and I will always love you...till my last breath.
“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”
When I'm done crying, and I am able to finally accept it, the memories of you WILL make me smile. Until time proves that possible, I'm saying, shoot me a text, a facebook message, an email.. just something.
...and before I forget, You sure will make the most pretty angel. The MOST PRETTY ONE.
...thats another goodbye ...as i do it.
~***Shanpepe***~
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