IF TRUE LOVE EXISTED...IT WOULD BE HIM... BESIDE ME... RIGHT NOW.

12... yes, since I was 12.

Our parents had always known each other. We ate breakfast at the same table, and rode in the same car to school. I made him tea when it was cold, and cooked him pasta when he was hungry. We played under the hot sun and ran around the playgrounds. We went on slides and climbed trees. We cuddled under the sheets when it rained, and had ice cream and popcorn at the movies. It was all the little perfect sibling thing, until someone asked me if i loved him - more than a brother. I'm not sure if it was the question or my response that came to me as a surprise, but the answer was ....


It's been many years later now. And he's been around the girls you know. I can't forget the one who would always go out and get drunk and only come back home to puke on his couch. Thankfully, it was a leather couch. Or the one who would always nag about everything, including the way he lay the cheese on her sandwich. Like really, who cares? Or the one who I once caught kissing his best friend. Oh my. If only he knew. Or the one that told him she was pregnant, but he wasn't the father. Wow, the two-timing whore. Or the one that told him he was full of shit anytime he tried to talk to her about things she was doing wrong. Who's full of shit? Or maybe it was the one who texted this boy at school the exact same thing she texted him.  I knew.. all of it. He didn't.

I don't know if this was right or wrong, but I chose to be the good person. It hurt me each time. Tore me into pieces. Made me curse the day I ever met him. It suddenly sucked to know him. Everything about it made me cringe - the times he loved and cherished girls who treated him like trash. All the time he wasted thinking he was being loved. All the time.. the time I could've....

Should I have said something? No. I guess not. But i don't know if I was right by doing that. He always ended up realizing that he was with someone wrong, but right after getting rid of wrong, he was into another wrong. I couldn't tell him he was wrong. I had no right to question his choices or tell him who to love. I had no right to even ask why he chose who he did. I had no right to say anything about anything. And it's not because I chose not to have a right. I had no choice. If I did, I would tell him everything; one after the other. All about how....

He called me three days ago. Pouring his heart out to me, he told me everything that I already knew... everything about each of those girls... everything about how he was used and abused by them... about how he gave his all into loving someone who would only love him like shit... but it was all old to me. I had tried to let go of all the hurt that it caused me watching him love like a human being but live like a dog. It had been sometime now, and I wasn't going back to any of it. But then I asked myself why? Why was he telling me all this now? Why did I have to know? At this point, I wasn't sure I cared. I hurt soo much for someone who was never learning from his mistakes. I hurt soo much from someone who was never...

Then he said he loved me. He said he'd loved me since I was 12. He told me how he cried himself to sleep every night, knowing that the only one person he loved was someone who could never love him back in that way. He told me how he'd made up his mind to tell me, but freaked out as soon as he got to my room door. He told me about all the times he wanted to kiss me when we cuddled when it rained, and all the times he wanted to just hold me under the sun, and watch the rays beat my skin. He told me how under every smile he ever gave me, was a heart that only wanted one thing... one thing from me. One thing I could never give him. One thing...

One tear. Then two. Then a flood. I cried so hard but yet so silently. He couldnt hear me crying over the phone, because he would ask me why. A question that I could not answer anymore. Yes. I loved him too. Since I was 12. I wanted just as much to kiss him when we cuddled as it rained. I wanted just as much for him to hold me under the sun and look into my eyes. I wanted just as much to be his girl. Here I was now... wishing i had said something to him. wishing i had just blurted the hardest words of my life out to him when it hurt me the most. Wishing i had just said "i love you". Wishing he knew.

Life is unfortunate. He'll probably never know now. It couldve been him in my life right now, sharing all this joy and sorrow, happiness and sadness, smiles and tears, hope and worries. If only I had said before, what I what I could've said right now, He'd be the man.. the man that I'm walking down the isle with... tomorrow.

I want so desperately to tell him how much I loved him my whole life, and how much I probably still do, but those duties are for me to perform now, to only one man. The man who put a ring on my finger. He woke his sleeping dog, but I have to let mine lie. He'll never know how much... how much I loved him.

...only because, If true love existed, it would be him.. beside me... right now.


that's whatever it is..lol... as i do it..

~***shanpepe***~