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Sarcastic Responses

1. At the movies:When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...2. In the bus:A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't youtry again.3. At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed

Quotes & Quotations

• Women aren't that bad, but wives...! • Your lucky number is 6478389077163. Watch for it everywhere. • If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would fart. • I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. • You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. • Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range. -Scott E

'The Simpsons' Quotes

“Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.”-Matt Groening, "Life in Hell"“Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?”-Matt Groening, The Simpsons“All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress

Quotes by William Shakespeare

“A wretched soul,bruised with adversity,We bid be quiet when we hear it cry; But were we burdened with like weight of pain, As much or more we should ourselves complain.” -William Shakespeare “Action is eloquence.” -William Shakespeare “And since you know you cannot see yourself, so well as by reflection,I, your glass, will modestly discover to yourself, that of yourself which you yet know

Quotes by George Bernard Shaw

“A day's work is a day's work, neither more nor liess, and the man who does it needs a day's sustenance, a night's repose and due leisure, whether he be painter or ploughman.” -George Bernard Shaw “A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.” -George Bernard Shaw “A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.” -George

Quotes by Sir Winston Churchill

“A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.” -Sir Winston Churchill “A love for tradition has never weakened a nation, indeed it has strengthened nations in their hour of peril.” -Sir Winston Churchill “All great things are simple, and many can be expressed in single words: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.” -Sir Winston Churchill “Although prepared for

Quotes by Mark Twain

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.” -Mark Twain“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” -Mark Twain “Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.” -Mark Twain “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish

Quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson

“A friend is one before whom I may think aloud.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson “A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson “A man of genius is privileged only as far as he is genius. His dullness is as insupportable as any other dullness.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson “All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.” -Ralph Waldo

Quotes by Oscar Wilde

“A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.” -Oscar Wilde “A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.” -Oscar Wilde “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” -Oscar Wilde “America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.” -Oscar Wilde “America is the only country that went from

Quotes by John F. Kennedy

“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.” -John F. Kennedy “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” -John F. Kennedy “If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity.” -John F. Kennedy “Let us think of education as the means of developing our greatest abilities, because in

Quotes by Plato

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” -Plato “Death is not the worst than can happen to men.” -Plato “If women are expected to do the same work as men, we must teach them the same things.” -Plato “Ignorance, the root and the stem of every evil.” -Plato “Laws are partly formed for the sake of good men, in order to instruct them how they may live on friendly terms with one

Quotes by Martin Luther King Jr.

“All men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality.” -Martin Luther King Jr. “Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.” -Martin Luther King Jr. “I submit that an individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality

Quotes by Woody Allen

“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.” -Woody Allen “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” -Woody Allen “Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.” -Woody Allen “His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.” -Woody Allen “How can I believe in God

Quotes by Sophocles

“A short saying oft contains much wisdom.” -Sophocles “Ignorant men don't know what good they hold in their hands until they've flung it away.” -Sophocles “Much speech is one thing, well-timed speech is another.” -Sophocles “One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.” -Sophocles “The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.”

Quotes by Sir Francis Bacon

“A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” -Sir Francis Bacon “By far the best proof is experience.” -Sir Francis Bacon “Certainly virtue is like precious odors, most fragrant when they are incensed, or crushed: for prosperity doth best discover vice, but adversity doth best discover virtue.” -Sir Francis Bacon “Choose the life that is most useful, and habit will make it the most

Quotes by Lao-tzu

“Seek not happiness too greedily, and be not fearful of happiness.” -Lao-tzu “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” -Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao-tzu “He who knows does not speak. He who speaks does not know.” -Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao-tzu “He who knows others is wise; He who know himself is enlightened.” -Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao-tzu “He who loves the world as his body may be

Quotes by G. K. Chesterton

"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother, drunk or sober." -G. K. Chesterton “A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.” -G. K. Chesterton “An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly

Quotes by Franklin D. Roosevelt

“As Americans, we go forward, in the service of our country, by the will of God.” -Franklin D. Roosevelt “Be sincere; be brief; be seated.” -Franklin D. Roosevelt “Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.” -Franklin D. Roosevelt “I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two

Quotes by Euripides

“Circumstances rule men and not men rule circumstances.” -Euripides “Do not consider painful what is good for you.” -Euripides “Short is the joy that guilty pleasure brings.”-Euripides “Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.” -Euripides “The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you

Quotes by Robert Frost

“A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.” -Robert Frost “A poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom.” -Robert Frost “Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.” -Robert Frost “Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.” -Robert Frost “I'm against a homogenized society, because I want the

Quotes by Nelson Mandela

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.” -Nelson Mandela “I am not a saint, unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying.” -Nelson Mandela “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” -Nelson Mandela, 'A Long Walk to

Quotes by Mahatma Gandhi

“Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.”-Mahatma Gandhi“As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it.”-Mahatma Gandhi“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.”-Mahatma Gandhi“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in

Quotes by George Carlin

“As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.” -George Carlin “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” -George Carlin “Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” -George Carlin “I think it's the duty of the comedian to find

Quotes by Emily Dickinson

“Anger as soon as fed is dead - 'Tis starving makes it fat.” -Emily Dickinson “Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul.” -Emily Dickinson “Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul. And sings the tune Without the words, and never stops at all.” -Emily Dickinson “I dwell in possibility...” -Emily Dickinson “I hope you love birds too. It is economical. It saves

Quotes by Confucius

“Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.” -Confucius “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” -Confucius “Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.” -Confucius “Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.” -Confucius “He who will not economize will have to agonize.” -Confucius “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.” -Confucius

Quotes by Charles Dickens

“A man who could build a church, as one may say, by squinting at a sheet of paper.” -Charles Dickens “Accidents will occur in the best regulated families.” -Charles Dickens “I do not know the American gentleman, god forgive me for putting two such words -together.” -Charles Dickens “Minds, like bodies, will often fall into a pimpled, ill-conditioned state from mere excess of comfort.” -Charles

Quotes by Benjamin Disraeli

“A precedent embalms a principle.” -Benjamin Disraeli “As a general rule the most successful man in life is the man who has the best information.” -Benjamin Disraeli “Bore: one who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation.” -Benjamin Disraeli “Cleanliness and order are not matters of instinct; they are matters of education, and like most great things, you must cultivate a

Quotes by Aristotle

“Hope is a waking dream.” -Aristotle, from Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Eminent Philosophers “I have gained this by philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law.” -Aristotle, from Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Eminent Philosophers “Liars when they speak the truth are not believed.” -Aristotle, from Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Eminent Philosophers “What is a

Quotes by Ambrose Bierce

“Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.” -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary “Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.” -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary “Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.” -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary “Barometer

Quotes by Albert Einstein

“Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.” -Albert Einstein “Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.”-Albert Einstein “Ethical axioms are found and tested not very differently from the axioms of science. Truth is what stands the test of experience.” -Albert Einstein “Every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are

Quotes by Albert Camus

“Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.” -Albert Camus “Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.” -Albert Camus “Do not wait for the last judgment. It takes place every day.” -Albert Camus “Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend.” -Albert Camus “I shall tell you a great

Quotes by Abraham Lincoln

“Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.” -Abraham Lincoln “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”-Abraham Lincoln “Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. As a peacemaker the lawyer has superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business