I'm standing staring out my window. What am I staring at? A storm. A legit storm - like branches are breaking off trees, trash cans are being carried with the wind, and I can literally see the water running across the surface of the sidewalks. yes. That kind of storm.
Knowing me, I should be somewhere under my covers sipping on French vanilla cappuccino and watching a movie. But I'm standing here, looking at this storm, and I can't leave. Not because I don't want to, but because as I stare in the face of that storm, I see me. I see my life. I see you.
I watch as those branches break off the trees and all I see is the perfect chemistry we once had breaking off and falling away. My eyes follow the trash cans being carried with the wind, but all I see is how far away you're drifting from me everyday. I look for the meaning in the water running across the surface of the sidewalks, but I don't need an angel to remind me of how many directions my emotions have been running in for the past few days, or even more accurately, weeks. I take just one step back to view the whole storm, and very plainly, I see you and me.
I haven't always been the one to step out of a storm, but they say there's always a first time. For every time that I tried to be there for you, you were off attending to someone else. For every time that I tried to make you comfortable, you resided in your comfort and never cared about mine. For every time that I turned down an approach, you made out with someone that I may never get to know. For every time that I took the extra mile, you lifted the weight off your back, and put it on mine. For every time that I thought I could make things work, you never failed to remind me that it was only just a thought. If I had never been able to walk out of a storm before, you have just taught me to. Here it goes ...my first time.
The only way I can actually see what's going on in a storm is to step out of it... to step out of this... to step out of me.. and you. I don't expect to stand in a storm and not get wet, and there's only so much water I can take before I drown. I want to be able to experience sunshine... real beauty... true happiness, and I can't do that in a storm.
You've hurt me. So much that words alone cannot describe the sensations and feelings that have run through this heart and mind of mine. You've gotten me soaked so much in this storm that I didn't even realise it until I began to drown. Then again, maybe that is what I need to step out of it. Maybe that was the awakening I needed to recognize that I could have better. Maybe that was the battle I had to fight to still have some sense of emotion to accept someone else, because they say it is true that you don't know what you have until it's gone, but even more true, that you have no idea what you have been missing till it arrives.
I'm out of this with you, and on a new search for what my heart deserves. And I don't regret the time I spent in that storm - with or without you, because it has only served to teach me my value, and my worth. I'm sorry it took me this long to figure out that "us" is not what you want, and most importantly, not what I want either. I'm sorry that my happiness doesn't lie in you. I'm sorry, but I can't be with you.
I'm still standing at my window.. staring at the storm. Ordinarily, I would have gone out to pick the broken branches and hope they grow again, to put the trash cans right back where they belong, or to make the water move smoothly across the surface of the sidewalk.
***Maybe before, but not anymore*** I just turned my back to the window. I'm walking towards the warmth of my bed, and a hot cup of French vanilla cappuccino. I'll be watching a movie... and waiting for the sun to shine.
That's heartbreak... as I do it.
[Shout Out to Philip Dakum for the inspiration. The love never dies homie.]
~***shanpepe***~
No comments:
Post a Comment