...BEEN BLINDED TO YOUR GRACE..

... So a lot has happened in my life recently. If you read my last blog post, you'll know that i lost my two and only grandparents within the last three months of last year. I was a lot closer to my Grand mom so I was very shaken by her death. Two days after her funeral I had to come back to school. I couldn't concentrate at all. I couldn't get myself to do any school work or even just to read my Bible. I mean, it was like that the whole week until yesterday. I spoke to my parents over the phone and told them that everything was pretty "bleeehhh" to me, and that I just wasn't functioning. they prayed with me over the phone, and honestly, its the best feeling ever. I feel like God automatically answered. After that prayer, I went into deep thought. I keep a journal, and I wrote down exactly how I felt. this is what it said:

"It's been very hard to be myself lately, and if I was to say the least, I haven't been myself...at all. Life is a snafu, and at my age, I think I know pretty well that things don't always go the way that I plan. However, there are some things we don't plan because we have expectations, but then again, our expectations aren't always reality. What we expect it doesn't make it happen, and I guess that's the little problem I'm dealing with right now.
     I expect that people I love will not die..even though I know that we will all die someday. I do not want pain or sorrow or hurt. I expect to get perfect grades..even though I know that I can never know it all I don't want B's or C's. I want A's. I expect to wake up healthy everyday..even though I know that health is never guaranteed. I don't want to be sick and drained.
     ALL my expectations have been let down, and thats the reason I'm not myself. However, there is some more to it. I'm not focusing on the right stuff. I've been focusing on the fact that my expectations have been let down. Ive been focusing on how disappointed I've been with life the past few days, instead of focusing on your grace. I've left you out of my picture, and looked for answers in places that there are none. I haven't lived in the denial of your existence. I haven't lived in the denial of your presence with me. I haven't lived in the denial of your ever present love and affection towards me. But I have lived in the denial of your grace. I know thats its there, but at times like this when all my expectations have been flushed down the drain, I'm not able to see your grace. I'm blinded by my feelings of disappointment, sadness, and hurt. i shield myself with the walls of defense that i build against the world without recognizing that I'm also shielding myself from your grace... which is really the only thing that i need to move on.
     Even as i write this, its easier said than done. I'm still blinded by my feelings, and shielded from your grace. however, there's one difference now. I feel it. i feel your grace. So now, open my eyes completely to see it, and uncover me now totally to be embraced by it... because i want to leave behind everything that is holding me back from experiencing your grace. i have tried to live without it, but with blinded eyes and a wall around me, I'm not sure i can take even one step in the right direction. i cant live without your grace, and it is more evident now than ever... that i don't even want to try."

   I know that I'm not the only person being blinded to God's grace. Just take a moment and find a place for it in your life and see how much better things become. And don't ask questions. Just do it. God never disappoints. NEVER.


That's about God's grace.. as i do it.

~***Shanpepe***~