You know... or not. No, you don't know. But I'll tell you.
Sometimes I get in the shower just because I want to cry. Not even you can tell your tears apart from water in the shower. Sometimes someone else gets the job over me. Sometimes I sit to talk to God, and I can only ask questions that I never seem to get answers to. Sometimes I stand in the rain hoping it would wash away all those memories that I want to get rid of. Sometimes I'm all alone even when I could do with the least bit of company. Sometimes I watch those sad tragic movies, and feel like I'm watching a reflection of myself. Sometimes I just need to talk but that's when everyone is busy.
Don't be so quick to judge me though. Everyone has some of those moments. Those moments when things go terribly wrong and don't seem to ever get better, and neither crying yourself to sleep, or believing what helps you sleep at night works. It's kinda depressing that all those times that you wish you would forget are the ones that never really take the back seat in your head. They sit in front as a constant reminder to all the pain, hurt, and distressing stuff you've been through. They torment you with all the terrible memories, when you'd rather want them buried off somewhere that even you can't find them. We end up being enemies to these memories and negative times in our lives, and all we can really think about is what we were like before these situations, and what we are like right now, after them - the shift from wholeness to brokenness, and beauty to scars. No one wants to remember that they were once whole, and now are broken, or once beautiful, and now are all scarred.
As human beings we make everything negative, negative. It's not in our human nature to make anything negative, positive. However, right in the middle of deep brokenness and the most obvious scars, there's the most beautiful story. Your story. Call me insane or naiive, or believe it. Think about those people with a former drug and alcohol addiction, or eating disorder, or depression, or someone that has had an abortion, or someone that has been sexually abused. Have you ever wondered how these people ever rise out of those positions to tell their stories to hugeee numbers of people? Think about it. Every little time that you've cried yourself to sleep, or been hurt by someone you loved, or lost a friend, a mother, a loved one, or felt like the world everyone else was living in was different, or been the victim in any form or situation; ALL those times have played a vital role in building the strength in the person that stares back at you when you look in the mirror. The book of your life, your story, and ultimately YOU, would be incomplete without all the chapters of hurt, pain and distress. The reason you are able to stand in all the strength that you do, is not because you hate what has happened to you, and don't ever want to remember it. It is because you embrace every little bit of it, and tell yourself that you want to rise above it, and become the best person that you can be.
There is grandeur in every brokenness, and splendor in every scar - physical or emotional. And that grandeur and splendor is you taking something undesirable and destructive, and turning it into strength that cannot be explained, and a story that has to be told! It's most certainly easier said than done, but instead of liking the person that you are - one that just takes whatever comes like it comes, love the person that you have the potential to be - the person that makes greatness of brokenness, and splendor of scars. Why? Because there's a little bit of you in every brokenness and every scar, and once you make greatness and splendor out of them, you make greatness and splendor out of who you are.
So you see, wounded and pained? Yes. Broken and shattered to pieces? Absolutely. However, instead of looking at myself and remembering how flawless I used to be, I take another look and see how far I've come. It took all the hurt and suffering to become what I've become. Now, I'm more than content because with God, I've emerged the most beautiful person from all that I have been through....Only because I realized that there's a little bit of me in every brokenness and every single scar. :-)
That's every brokenness, and every scar... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
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